FLIP THAT LOUSE!

Jenny Sanford is the first lady of South Carolina, and might have been in the running for next first lady of the United States. That is, until that wild and wacky hiker of a husband of hers confessed to spending Fathers Day down in Argentina, doing the dirty tango, thus putting a rather abrupt end to his political future and probably his marriage.

Please shout: Olé!

Jenny seems like a nice woman. So I thought I would send her some words of advice. Sure, she’s probably getting plenty of that already, but mine is different, because I’m putting my advice in a song.

To get the most out of this, you will need to sing it as you read it. I’m not kidding. This is the only way it’s going work.

But first, I will need you to go grab some of your favorite gangsta rap music and play it until you are immersed -- mind, body and soul. Select that tender tune you first heard blasting out of car, in line at the drive-thru, or stopped next to you at an interminable red light, to which you responded by racing to the mall in breathless pursuit of your very own CD, which you’ve been saving, like a chilled bottle of champagne, for the right occasion, which just happens to be right now.

So pop it in, and by all means, crank up the volume.

Please no cheating. I shouldn’t have to say this, but you will not get the same effect from Rod Stewart’s Greatest Hits or anything from Norah Jones. That stuff will not help you with the proper interpretation of my song. In fact anything like that will kill the message, not to mention the rhythm.

O.K. I’m assuming you’ve done as I asked, and your mind and body are now on the same wavelength with mine. But first let’s do a short warm-up exercise to help open your lungs and close your mind. Ready? All together now, one…two…three…sing…

FLIP THAT LOUSE!
KEEP THE HOUSE!
DON’T BE A MOUSE!
DUMP YOUR SPOUSE!

Again. This time, Louder.

FLIP THAT LOUSE!
KEEP THE HOUSE!
DON’T BE A MOUSE!
DUMP YOUR SPOUSE!

I can’t hear you! Jenny can’t hear you!

FLIP THAT LOUSE!
KEEP THE HOUSE!
DON’T BE A MOUSE!
DUMP YOUR SPOUSE!

Great. Now please take a moment to catch your breath.

Now visualize yourself staring straight into the MTV camera.

You should try to come up with a threatening facial expression. Think gangsta. And, for the best possible delivery, keep pointing your index finger as though you’re jabbing it into someone’s chest.

Oh, one more thing: there’s no profanity in my lyrics. If you really dig your gangsta rap, feel free to drop-in the F-word, wherever you think it’s needed.

Ready? All together now, one, two, three…

HE WENT TO ARGENTINA TO PLAY WITH HIS CHIQUITA
DON’T CRY FOR HER LIKE YOU DID FOR EVITA
THANKS TO HER HE’LL NEVER BE PREZZ
BUT HE’S THE ONE TO BLAME LIKE JUST YOUR GUT SAYS.
HE’LL APOLOGIZE WITH NOTHING BUT LIES, SO JUST…

FLIP THAT LOUSE!
FLIP THAT LOUSE!

HE WENT BEFORE THE CAMERAS TO TELL HIS STORY
HE LOOKED SO STUPID, HE’LL NEVER HAVE THE GLORY.
JEN, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING BY NOT JOININ’ IN
THAT MISSUZ SPITZER THING CAUSES CRAWLIN’ OF MY SKIN.
LET HIM TWIST ALONE, TOTALLY ALONE, AND…

FLIP THAT LOUSE!
FLIP THAT LOUSE!

HIS AIDS COME TO YOU. THEY BEG AND CAJOLE
TO SAVE HIS FUTURE IS GOOD FOR THE PARTY
BUT HER TAN LINES TRUMPED ALL THAT FISCAL CONTROL
THOSE PLEAS FOR FORGIVENESS ARE PRETTY DAMN TARDY.
STAND IN HIS WAY? STAND IN HIS WAY? YOU’LL…

TRIP THAT LOUSE!
TRIP THAT LOUSE!

HOLIDAYS ARE COMIN’ AND THIS GETS STICKY
HAVIN’ HIM AT THE TABLE SHOULD MAKE YOU SICKLY
THIS TURKEY-GUY PLEASE KEEP OFF YOUR LIST
HE CAN GO SALSA WITH HIS ARGENTINE MISS.
LEAVE HIS CHAIR EMPTY, JUST…

SKIP THAT LOUSE!
SKIP THAT LOUSE!

HE’S PROBABLY TELLIN’ YOU HE’S FILLED WITH REMORSE
HE WANTS TO BE PUNISHED, BEATEN WITH FORCE
DON’T HESITATE. THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOOOD
GRAB SOMETHING ROUGH, HIDE HIS FACE WITH A HOOD
AND WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT…

WHIP THAT LOUSE!
WHIP THAT LOUSE!

AS HE CRUMBLES, TEARS OF PITY YOU MAY SHED
YOU MAY EVEN WEAKEN AND LET HIM INTO YOUR BED
HE MAY HAVE HIS WAY, THEN FALL OFF TO SLEEP
WHILE HE’S LYIN’ PEACEFUL, REMEMBER HE’S A CREEP.
GO GET YOUR SCISSORS AND…

SNIP THAT LOUSE!
SNIP THAT LOUSE!

THE DAY WILL COME WHEN YOU’RE READY FOR SOME FUN
TRY SAN DIEGO FOR ITS SURF AND ITS SUN
FIND A BLOND SURFER FOR YOUR OWN BOY HOTTIE.
WHEN THE GOV ASKS WHY? IT’S THAT TWENNY-SOMETHIN’ BODY.
NOW IT’S YOUR TURN TO…

FLIP THAT LOUSE!
FLIP THAT LOUSE!


A very special thanks to those of you who actively participated. If Jenny will sing this number with the same sneering, finger pointing, take-no-poop attitude, she’ll be just fine. Trust me. Music works miracles.